Day 122

Just finished elliptical for 30 minutes. Today was definitely tougher than yesterday. But I remembered how hard the first week of no sugar was, I felt physically sick the whole time...I know I feel better when I exercise, both physically and mentally...so why is it so hard to get up and going...Perhaps 5:00 and the dark have something to do with it.

Anyway, I did it and that's what counts.

Made some super yummy banana/chocolate bread last night..no sugar but still too rich..and really chocolate wasn't that great.

The next two weeks are going to be challenging with exercise..first Seattle, then Utah for five days. Both places I can walk or they have at least a treadmill...it's just harder to do when you're out of your routine.

I think I can confidently say I won't eat any sugar at the New Year's Eve party tonight, but I don't' want to get cocky ;-)

Day 121

1/3 of the way through the challenge! Four months without sugar...that's incredible.

I just finished 30 minutes on the elliptical and when I felt the mental wall at 21 minutes I told myself, "You've gone four months, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas without sugar..you can do this." And sure enough I could.

Day 120

No sugar added today...handing out chocolate to all the delivery guys today to get rid of it though ;-) So tomorrow is 1/3 of the way through this challenge and I've decided to up the anty for myself a bit.

The sea kayak is based only on the no sugar.

This next goal's reward is ballroom dancing lessons with John. I'm going to report in here just so I have the same sense of obligation to this goal as I do the no sugar.

30 minutes on the elliptical each day. Once the weather warms up, I may change that to a walk or hike...but for now it's 30 minutes on the elliptical every day.

Day 119

No sugar added today.

Day 118

No sugar added on Saturday!

Day 117

No sugar added today. I spent boxing day hanging out with friends in Cold Stone Ice Cream shop. Lest you think I partook of the minty chocolate, fudge, brownie delight that is very appealing, the answer is no, I went over to jamba juice and got a small, fruit only smoothie with no frozen yogurt or sherbet it it..fruit only. Mango and pineapple and it was very tasty.

Day 116

No sugar added today...not even when Caeleigh was sitting there eating carmels in front of me saying, "You know Grandpa's carmels are the best thing ever..they're so creamy and lusious." And while I know this is a true statement, I did not break and made it home still sugar free.

Day 115

I'm going to type No Sugar added...and then do all I can to avoid my dad's homemade carmels tonight...I can do it.

Day 114

No sugar added, just a new nephew!

Day 113

No sugar added today..even though there were brownie bites in the conference room :-)

Day 112

No sugar added today..just a lot of fun with family.

Day 111

No sugar added today, even with all the goodies in King Soopers laid out for the holidays.

Day 110

No sugar added.

Day 109

No sugar added today. No brownie bites during our pizza lunch. I just pass em along. I am wondering if I could make John some carmel shortbread without eating any...that's his Christmas treat and he could take them to work...that would be the ultimate test of will power because I love them too.

Day 108

No sugar added today. The leftover mango chicken stir fry I made for dinner last night was delicious for lunch today.

Day 107

No sugar added today...it helps that there isn't any at home, that everyone at work knows not to offer me any and that when I offered to make Johnny a trifle for Christmas he said, "not this year." That helps a lot.

Day 106

No sugar added. Just staying away from holiday goodies.

Day 105

No sugar added today, just trying to stay warm in the artic blast that we've been hit with.

Day 104

Yeah for us, no sugar added!

Day 103

I'm really glad it's Friday and happy to report, no sugar added.

Day 102

No sugar added. So we are running low on supplies for lunch. So I didn't have a lot to choose from today. I dumped a bunch of things into a bag and hoped for the best. And what do you know, I've been ejoying my mini meals. I go and pick a piece of fruit out of my bag when I get hungry or a yogurt and then I'm not hungry again for another hour or two...not bad.

Day 101

So is it weird that Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas this year and I think it has something to do with sugar? We've put up the lights, we're going to buy a few presents this weekend and still nothing..it feels flat. I've been trying to figure out if it's because the quarter just ended, I moved a library and we're working extra hours every day because of manditory overtime for John, or is it because I haven't made any fudge, carmel shortbread or cookies?

Christmas is a celebration of Christ's birth, so why in my mind is it tied to homemade carmels, 7 layer bars, sprtiz cookies, frozen fudge and trifle? Could it be because I really enjoyed baking with my parents at this time of year. That we all snuck out to the freezer in the garage to eat frozen fudge, until we had to cook another batch?

Or is it that my Grandma Bessie would bake her self into a near coma before we would arrive for Christmas? I've realized for years that cooking was my grandma's way of showing she loved you. She wasn't a very huggy kind of person, so instead of squeezing you tight and telling you how much she thought of you, she'd put out a plate of divinity and rocky road to tell you were special...cause really if you weren't would she have gone to all the trouble?

In the past few years, I've learned to make really good fudge (it's the secret ingredient ... chili poweder, it enhances the chocolate flavour) and I've learned to make John's favorite millionare shortbread which soon became one of my biggest downfalls, butter shortbread, homemade carmel and chocolate, what's not to like? Does my husband feel less loved because I'm not making him a triffle for Christmas this year like his mother did? Is it wrong to take away this tangible reminder of his mother's love on his first Christmas without her?

Why am I tormented by sugar this time of the year? The damn sugarplum fairies need to move out of my head. Now.

Day 100

Well look at that, day 100 snuck right up on us ;-) Excellent milestone feeling kind of day, stressed about school..but not eating the stress, just trying to get the paper done. Nice.

Day 99

No sugar added...I felt quite virtuous picking the M&Ms out of my trail mix and tossing them in the trash can so that I could eat the raisins and peanuts without distraction. I also asked Vicky to move the box of chocolates away from the reference desk so I wouldn't be tempted.

Day 98

No sugar added today. Closing in on 100.

Day 97

No sugar today...I'm feeling sad today and have really wanted some chocolate, but I said no and went back to my books.

Day 96

No sugar added today, even though I want some more than I have in months.

Day 95

No sugar added..I wanted a hot chocolate something awful today, it's 4 degrees here in Cheyenne and I have an awful chest cold thing going on...but I didn't succumb. Yeah for me.

Day 94

No sugar today. Although, I'm currently sitting in my beautiful hotel room with two boxes of chocolates given to me by the sweet Cheyenne Branch librarian..one dark choclate mix and one pecan truffles. My goal...to take them home still wrapped in their wrapping paper.

Day 93

No sugar added today, just a huge Wyoming steak...yummy.

Day 92

No sugar added...just a really stuffy nose. This week's challenge...a four day business trip, with free cookies everywhere..and finding an elliptical to keep up my workouts.

Day 91

No sugar added. Wow that's over three months..nice.

Day 90

No sugar added today. Lacey was super sweet to make me a cheese and fruit plate for dessert at Maddi's baptism luncheoun..that was a big help! I've noticed that kids really dig fruit as well :-)

Day 89

No sugar added today..did introduce Colton to baklava and that made me happy. I was trying to explain it to John this morning, the reason I can cut coconut cream pie for him or buy baklava for Colton...I'm trying not to do this no sugar thing in a begrudging manner. I don't want to be sitting in a corner coveting the sugar...and serving others makes me feel less begrudging.

Day 88

Ta da, no sugar added on Thanksgiving. No pie, no tart, no dump cake....I won't say that it was easy, but I will say that it was easier than I thought it was going to be. I tried to focus on playing with the kids and talking with my family instead of longing for pie. When it got to the point that I was tierd and having a hard time not attacking the pecan tart, we went home.

Day 87

No sugar added...still not feeling great with a stupid chest cold, but I have determined that nothing will stand in the way of me having fun this weekend...nothing.

Day 86

No sugar added, happily, nothing even sounds good sugar wise..I hope that lasts feeling stays with me through Thanksgiving. :-)

Day 85

No sugar added today.

Day 84

Finished up our second forty days worth of goals today. That means I have we're creating our new goals for the next forty days. I think mine is going to have to do with strength training and portion control.

Day 83

No sugar added during another weekend of homework.

Day 82

Didn't touch the copious amounts of chocolate that Paul keeps in his library in Cheyenne, just ate my cheese and crackers. He kept trying to push it on me, but I just said no thanks. Yeah.

Day 81

So today may have been the ultimate challenge, four pastry trays full of chocolate mousse cups, eclairs, chocolate covered strawberries, macaroons...they looked delicious..not only did I serve them to other people, I cut pieces of cake, and got frosting on my fingers and did not lick them...I just wiped my hand on a napkin and got on with life. I really didn't know if I would make it through today, but I did..and I'm grateful...sea kayak still mine.

Day 80

Oh and what a day it has been. Poor Johnny has been sitting in the house with bottles of ginger for tomorrow's party and I've been surrounded by scrumptious cake. By we were both strong!

Day 79

No sugar added. The next two weeks will be tough. Tomorrow, employee appreciation/retirement cake, Thurs - retirement party, Friday -Cheyenn library full of candy...and Thanksgiving with tons of desserets all around...nice.

Day 78

Ok, so along with sugar, I'm giving up rich foods...my poor stomache just can't handle them at all. So the next forty days will be all about simple, healthy foods, keeping up with the ellipticalling and of course not eating sugar :-) John had a dream last night that he accidentally bought a coke and had to find someone to give it to..and then there was a coke can in the parking lost this morning...coincidence....or not???

Day 77

No sugar added today.

Day 76

No sugar today, just a lot of laughter and love. Saturday is my favorite day of the week.

Day 75

So I was talking to Kelly about Thanksgiving and missing pie this year and she said a very wise thing, "There will be pie again next year." Very true..so Cammie and I can chomp down on blackberries for dessert with abandon instead of pie :-)

Day 74

No birthday cake today, although I did cut a piece and give it to someone else who came in late while everyone else was eating the cake. Lots of cream cheese frosting, but I didn't touch it. So much easier than it was 74 days ago.

Day 73

I so wanted some sugar today..just stressed, but I ate an apple instead....I feel better for it, but I'm worried about birthday cake at work tomorrow.

Day 72

A day off to catch up on studies and laundry..no sugar added or in fact even thought about.

Day 71

I'm proud to report, that I sat next to unattended brownies last night and didn't even think about eating one...nice! Today is day 71 of no sugar..yeah!

Day 70

A busy, productive weekend sans sugar! Also making progress on other goals!

Day 69

A busy Saturday, school work, a few errands...and finally cleaning out my makeup drawer..that felt good...and all of it sugar free :-)

Day 68

No sugar added. It's been a long week and I'm thrashed, but I didn't use false energy to get me through. Yeah!

Day 67

No sugar added today and might I add..pms really, really sucks.

Day 66

What I really love about today is I don't feel like celebrating with food. I'm just enjoying the feeling

Day 65

Happy election day, sans sugar! Even though I voted early last week, I'm still anticipating tonight's results. Dealing with some stressful feelings the non-sugar way...it's getting easier..but part of me longs for the ease of dove chocolate.

Day 64

No sugar added. Ate oatmeal for lunch today..Maddi kept talking about oatmeal on Saturday and it made me think, Hmmm oatmeal. And I have to say with almonds and fresh blackberries, it was very tasty and cozy.

Day 63

No sugar added on Sunday, not even Sunday night pineapple cause we didn't make it to the store. On a related note, I tried a new recipe for Italian Vegetable bake...it was horrendous. It looked and smelled ghastly. I tried a bit and it was in fact ghastly. Before, I would have forced myself to eat it so that I didn't waste food, as it was, we dialed Papa Johns and had pizza...threw the vegetable ickiness in the garbage where it belonged.

Day 62

Doughnuts, Doughnuts every where. We took Mimi out for her birthday outing. She didn't like the lunch we bought (although she was very polite about it) There was a doughnut shop across from where we were. We told her to pick a doughnut and the man said, "She is going to grow up to be very beautiful, we said thanks, and he threw two extra doughnuts into the bag. So she offered me one and I said no thanks. A couple of time actually...but I didn't have even a bite.

Day 61

Least anyone fear that Halloween was the undoing of my sugar free challenge...you would be wrong! Trick or treating..no problem. Enjoyed the holiday without any candy. Nice!

Day 60

Well woo hoo today is day 60 and as I just told Johnny, we have to celebrate the milestones big and small (he's holding out for day 100...I think because that means will have survived both Halloween and Thanksgiving with our goals intact). The frosting craving has abated, thankfully..because I was getting close to calling Kelly and asking her to whip up some of the chocolate ganache that she excells at. Instead, I'll contine along my sugarless path.

Day 59

Party planning the no-sugar way sucks. We're planning my boss's retirement party and after talk of cakes, cookes, and other sugary delights, my body is craving sugar more than I have in weeks. I think it's the frosting, damn it, I really love frosting...I'd give up the rest of it to just be able to eat frosting...but instead I'll eat dates, apples and cheese and pretend that they taste as good as dark chocolate frosting, when really, we all know they don't.

Day 58

There are cookies in the conference room - read a message in my inbox. Ah early morning sugar, one of my favorite kinds. I thought, that's nice, deleted the message and got on with my day. At lunch time, I sat next to the cookies and didn't even think about eating one. I'll admit to looking at them, and they were pretty, but I didn't feel an emotional or physical connection to them like I would have 58 days ago. Hurrah!

Day 57

Wow what a difference a year makes. This time last year, I was living on chocolate and coke to deal with the stress of school and lack of sleep. Now granted this quarter is nothing like 1st quarter, because nothing is like the 1st quarter of grad school, but still, I have a paper due tomorrow and instead of heading for the vending machine, I'm just doing my best and I keep telling myself, "You've never written a white paper before, your first one isn't going to be perfect, so deal."

Day 56

Ah the no sugar way of life is alive and well today. I love Sundays when we get to sleep in, watch Meet the Press, talk to family in Scotland and eat sensibly. I especially love fresh pineapple for dessert!

Day 55

No sugar added..and Johnny did not have a Red Bull even though we were at an event sponsored by it. Having a very hard time getting focused on tonight's assignment...but I have to get started

Day 54

Today's challenge, dinner at NoNo's. Love their strawberry cake and their chocolate cake. Plus it's a social situation, book club, where it's easy to justify sugar. But I will not concentrate on the lack of strawberry cake, instead, I'll concentrate on getting to see my friends.

Day 53

Black cherry pie for Katherine's birthday today..the same black cherry pie that has been calling my name every time I walk in King Soopers..why do they put pie in the front of the store anyway..not cool. So, I took my apple in and ate it..and really it was a nice apple. Someone asked how Jon is doing and I got to tell them that he's doing really well and that made me think of taking care of my body and not abusing it with sugar anymore..and I ate my apple in peace.

Day 52

No sugar added today. I pulled my back on Sunday night and haven't been at the computer since. Yesterday, Johnny stopped off at the store on the way home to pick up some bananas..I so wish he'd brought home chocolate flourless cake..he used to do that when I was sick. Alas, no cake and I'm glad...it wouldn't help my back and it'd make me feel lousy for going this long without sugar and blowing it.

Day 51

No sugar added

Day 50

No sugar added

Day 49

No sugar added today. It felt good to be out hiking this morning. Poor Tjab seemed to be having the worst time of it. It's too late to teach that old dog new tricks, but she sure would enjoy walks more if she didn't pull so hard. By the end, I was afraid Johnny was going to have to carry her, she was wheezing and had a kind of raspy thing going on. But once she got a bit of water in her and a nap on the way home, she bounded up the stairs when we got home. As for John and I, it was just nice to be out in nature, enjoying the beauty of our state.

Day 48

Seriously no sugar today, why? Because we ate too much salty pizza last night and neither of us has been hungry today until now..it's what 3:11 and we're just now hungry.

Day 47

Wow, for the first time in this process, I forgot what day I was on. It appears, we're on day 47 with no sugar added. Today hasn't been hard, I had my food prepared this morning and haven't been very hungry. Not like last night grocery shopping, when I was really hungry and every aisle seemed to be full of tempting foods that were screaming "EAT ME ALREADY" but I didn't and that's a good thing, I hate to think about the posiblity of losing my sea kayak.

Day 46

No sugar added today. We got up at 6:45 this morning so I didn't have time to pack food. I had a breakfast bar for breakfast, an apple at 9:30 and I just got back from LePeep's for lunch where I two chicken and vegetable crepes, they were nice and I feel really full, although the portions weren't huge.

Also found the blue heart we bought in Utah in my wallet...I first found it in my purse when I went to Seattle for school, so I put it in Johnny's pocket the other day without him knowing. It's funny how silly little things like that make my day..but they do, they make me feel loved.

Day 45

No sugar added, even being alone by myself all afternoon with a plate full of Halloween goodies..Nice. I thought about throwing them away and then I thought of the fact that Johnny would probably enjoy them a lot and I thought, get over yourself, he should get to eat them and you can choose not to. So that's the choice I made.

Day 44

No sugar added! Even though some lovely person left a plate of Halloween goodies on our porch. I've watched Johnny eat a couple of them and I'm ok with it.

Day 43

No sugar added on Columbus Day spent at home by myself studying! Yeah for me.

Day 42

Yesterday was a sugar free day, just so busy that I didn't have time to post. Busy day, but lots of fun..those are the easiest sugar free days. Although John got a whiff of cola last night from Emma and said it was pretty tough

Day 41

No sugar added today. I've really been enjoying the chilly, grey day. The house is tidy. The laundry is done. I've gotten most of my homework done, so Monday will be a little less stressful. John's almost done regrouting our tub. All is warm and cozy in our little home

Day 40

Woo Hoo, I don't know why day 40 seems like such a big deal, but it does. So yeah for us! Hopefully the ellipitcal will be fixed tonight and we can start using it since we leave the house too early and return too late to walk outside at the moment. Hoping to go for a walk tomorrow though

Day 39

No sugar added. I've been thinking about being one day away from day 40.

40 days ago (the day before we started) I don't think I could imagine have imagined going 40 days without my crutches for every uncomfortable emotion I felt..and yet I have. Why? I think it really has to do with the sea kayak..I really want to be gliding across the lakes and bays of Washington someday. Also, it's also because I'm trying not to look into the future. I've stopped worrying about Thanksgiving..instead I'm looking forward to seeing most of my family and enjoying their company. It's the people that I'm excited about not the pumpkin pie. It may also be that I feel better and in control...I still crave chocolate sometimes, but I also know I can live without it. I don't know if I believed that 40 days ago.

Day 38

No sugar added today. I'm looking forward to the repairman coming to fix the elliptical on Friday. It's just been too dark when we get home to go for a walk..the elliptical isn't as pretty as the sunsets and our bench, but it'll get us through the winter!

Day 37

An emotional day for Johnny and I today. Yet, it's amazing how allowing ourselves to actually feel sad makes the sadness more peaceful and the reason we're sad more meaningful than if we'd tried to cover it up with chocolate flourless cake. It's better to know how you feel to know how much people really mean to you.

Day 37, no sugar added.

Day 36

Dealing with stress the non-sugar way. So I went to buy a bag of Smartfood white cheddar popcorn for a snack..I wasn't hungry this morning so I couldn't focus on what to bring for food...anyway, I opened the bag and was munching away. Only the next time I picked it up, I picked up the wrong end and dumped my popcorn all over the keyboard, my lap and the floor..not nice..it's just been that kind of dump your popcorn on the floor kind of days. I felt the strongest urge for chocolate cake that I've felt in a weeks..but I didn't succomb.

Day 35

No sugar added, just some of John's mind blowing chili.

Day 34

No sugar added..unless a lot of orange juice counts. Stupid cold.

Day 33

No sugar added.

Day 32

Today is one of those days where in the past I would have comforted myself with food. It's just been an odd, stressful day. I have a cold, a lot of work to do and several unpleasant tasks this afternoon. I went to get some soup for lunch, cause say it with me people, "Hummus just doesn't taste right when you have a cold" and the consistency is off as well. Anyway, I went to the soup shop, but the line was too long for my shortened lunch hour. I went next door and got a bunch of veggies in a bowl from the burrito place. They had the same delectable brownies they have at the soup place and I thought, man that would make me feel better. Then the sugar free angel on the left cried out, "False, false, false, the brownie will just make you feel worse..step away from the chocolate." I did step away and am confident I'll end this weird day with no sugar added.

Day 31

No sugar added. The first day of October and it will no longer be as easy to keep track of the number of days, sans sugar...maybe that's a good thing. It's a beautiful day and I'm feeling creative and on track, and since that's my favorite feeling in the world, it's a good day. I find it's easier to not abuse food when I'm really busy and interested in my work/school/life.

Day 30

No sugar added. Day 30...wow it makes me happy to see all of the days racking up under September. It seems like just yesterday we were white knuckling it across Wyoming and now look at me! So after 30 days do I feel any different? I think I do both physically and mentally.

I don't have the huge mood swings that sugar gives, nor do I have the self loathing that eating crap brings. I also am having fewer headaches..and maybe, just maybe I'm beginning to learn to cope with stress, anger, disappointments and other emotions in a healthier way, instead of crunching them down with the m&ms. I've been able to travel, see old friends, have people over for dinner and celebrate birthdays without sugar....those were some of the things that frightened me the most, and there you go, not as hard as I'd made it out to be.

Let's see what the next 30 days bring.

Day 29

No sugar added. I sat down to eat my soup today and after the first bite realized that it was truly nasty. Corn chipolte chowder sounds good doesn't it? It wasn't. Susan offered me some hummus and sun dried tomatoes. At first I said no, but then I thought you'd rather be prideful and eat something that tastes this bad? So I thanked her enjoyed the hummus. Life is too short to eat bad soup!

Day 28

No sugar today. I made lovely baked apples for dessert with cranberries, walnuts and oatmeal in the middle..no sugar and delicious! Also went on a long walk today.

Day 27

No sugar added. Knowledge was added through studying though.

Went to the movie last night, Ghost Town. Really funny and charming. John and I hadn't eaten any dinner and he wanted a Coke and I wanted some M&Ms, so we got a small popcorn and a bottle of water and pretended they were Coke and chocolate. Colton is right, it is a lifestyle. You just don't give yourself any wiggle room.

Day 26

Full day of class, it felt good to get my working hard again. I really enjoyed walking to campus and looking at all the flowers, Fall quarter is the best weather I've seen in Seattle. During class we have all sorts of breaks for coffee. Usually I have a cocoa and a scone. Instead, I brought an apple and a nut bar and drank a lot of water.

The airport was also interesting. I think this is the first time in my life that I've been in an airport and not had some chocolate. I finally found the "cool" part of the Seattle airport..I knew it had to be there somewhere, generally I just go to Gate A and sit. Yesterday I found this amazing space with windows looking out to the cascades. I got a veggie pizza, sat down in a rocking chair and watched the sunset. It was spectacular.

Glad to be home and proud of myself for traveling sans sugar.

Day 25

No sugar added in Seattle.

Day 24

Ultimate challenge today. I punched holes and tied ribbons to attach to cards, 50 small bags of M&Ms. Yes, the chocolate smelled good and there was even a bag that could have been qualified as collateral damage...but I was working with Susan and Madeline who are two of my main supporters in the challenge and there was no way I was going to eat chocolate in front of them...nor did the M&Ms smell good enough to give up my hopes of a sea kayak. So I just chatted and tied knots and didn't even think about eating one after the initial..woo hoo m&m feeling. It went away pretty quickly so I could focus on the task at hand.

Day 23

So a couple of people have asked why no sugar...yes I need to lose weight, yes I feel like sometimes food controls me instead of the other way around, but in reality this whole thing is about keeping a promise and getting a sea kayak. Here's how this whole challenge came about..as explained in a comment back on day 9.

When we were in Utah last month, our nephew was carrying around a big thermos of water everywhere he went. I finally asked him about it and he said that on New Year's Day he and his sister Jaden had given up pop for a year. If they acheive a year without pop, they get a $100 from their parents. I asked him if it was hard and he said, "No, it's just a lifestyle." Well, then my brother offered my mom $1,000 to go an entire year without pop. And then Johnny offered me a sea kayak if I could go an entire year without sugar; ie. cookies, cake, brownies, candy, pudding and the like. I in turn offered him a road bike if he could go a year without soda and fastfood. So basically, we're on day 23 today and it's getting easier.

Day 22

The ultimate challenge, a Manic Monday where I feel a little stressed and down and Susan's chocolate cake for Cathy's birthday...ganche...yummy. I ate a plum and Susan suggested moving the cake downstairs to Katherine's area so I didn't have to deal with it being next door all day when I'm up here by myself..nice. It looked pretty though.

Day 21

Three weeks...only 53 to go :-) Frustrated with student loan office..maybe the money I used to spend on treats and John spent on pop and fast food will make up for the difference.

Day 20

No I didn't fall off the wagon yesterday, I was just so busy I forgot to post.
We had finely tuned schedule yesterday that looked like this:

10:45 - Dog to Groomer
10:50-11:30 - Kohl's for new shoes for me and some new clothes for John
11:40-12:15 - Washed car and petroled up
12:25-12:35 - Picked up memory card at Circuit City
12:40-1:45 - Project Angel Heart
2:00-2:15 - Drop by mom and dad to pick up produce
2:30-4:30 - Hair appointment

We had to hit everything exactly right or we wouldn't have gotten everything done. In the past, John would have had a bottle of coke in the car for energy and we would have had a chocolate bar at some point. Instead we took a bottle of water, two cereal bars, a banana and a pear. Ta - Da, we've also discovered banana chocolate smoothie. 1 banana, 1 banana, 1 tbs honey, 16 oz milk, 1 cup ice and 1 tbs of cocoa powder..no sugar in it and only 20 calories. It's creamy, it's healthy and tastes super yummy.

Day 19

Much better than yesterday. It could be because we woke talking like pirates or else that I'm just better balanced today. I had a very yummy lunch of pita bread with humus, goat cheese, a fresh tomato, a fresh cucumber and a very nice green pepper. With a plum to afters..very tasty indeed.

Got a bit of an intellectual buzz going this morning over a question at work. I realized I've not used my brain as much as I could have this summer...but then maybe that was the point. Also felt the first bits of the physical manifestations of stress that will soon be upon me, the tightening shoulders and twitchy eye. Nice!

Day 18

ARGGHHHH - PMS with no chocolate...seriously not fun at all. I feel like punching someone in the face (not anyone in particular, just everyone who keeps asking me questions today) and then immediately afterward, I want to cry my eyes out..I'm starting to feel like I'm going crazy..and then I realized why, which also made me realize that this is the first time in a really long time when chocolate or something sugar laden hasn't been my first response to feeling this way and it is hard, very, very hard. BUT, it's not worth losing my sea kayak over..so I shall just keep getting through the minutes until today is over, because I am stronger than chocolate.

Day 17

Constitution Day Challenge.. Cookies, cookies everywhere. We're offering cookies as part of our Constitution Day event. I must stay focused on the Kayak and the fact that today is Day 17.

Update: Success, not only did I not eat any cookies, I actually threw about 8 cookies away without even wanting to taste them.

Day 16

No sugar added.

Day 15

Woke up with a migrane, so food doesn't even sound good..but strangely, chocolate is calling very loudly today. But I'm just staying upstairs for the most part away from noise and the chocolate jar.

Day 14

Today wasn't particularly hard to keep on track...but I'm missing the fresh pineapple we usually have for dessert on Sunday nights...it helps with the "Sunday dessert" mindest. Today at church Em game me a Hershey's kiss she'd gotten in primary. She was so excited, she yelled, "I gave my Bef a candy." I love watching her share, so I slipped it in my pocket, took it home and when John opened our door I told him the story and he then enjoyed the candy for both of us...I'm glad he didn't take the no sugar vow...just the no pop or fast food vow..I would have felt awful if I had to throw away Emma's gift. As it is, John enjoyed it greatly.

Day 13

A full day with friends from Wyoming..corn maze, Tiny Town and dinner at White Fence Farm. I really feel like more and more activities are becoming about the actual activity and the people I'm with, instead of what we're going to eat. I did look at the dessert menu on at the restaurant. ..with the exception of the pies..none of it sounded particularly good. When we went into the stores in the back, there was a lot of sugar creations and I just chose to ignore them and look at puppets and knickknacks instead. It was a very full day and I did it all without the false sugar life and Johnny did it without a Coke. Yeah for us!

Day 12

I'm munchy and I have to buy lunch today..not a good combination. I need to make up my mind about what I want before I head out, or risk hunger + munchies = bad food choices. I'm thinking soup would be nice since it's raining. Think I'll call the soup line and find out what's on offer.

Update: Soup line didn't interest me. Got a hot roastbeef sandwhich and an apple instead. Yes the brownies looked very very good. So good that I could almost taste them, but I did not give in..I just kept thinking "Sea kayak, sea kayak, sea kayak, day 12." Got my sandwhich to go and came back to the office to eat it.

Is this what is called "white knuckled sobriety?"

Day 11

September 11th is a lot of things to a lot of people. Flags are flying at half mast all over town in honor of the people who died on the flights, in the Towers and trying to rescue people. On a happier note, it's my neice's birthday...so I try to focus on that since she's such a ray of sunshine in my life.

For me personally, there's one other more private trauma that started on Sept 11, 2001...the beginning of the end of a serious relationship that made me question myself, my judgement, and my self worth. I don't ever mourn the actual relationship, because as I look back, going through the bad relationship is what helped me find John and I'd go through Hell itself if it meant I got to be married to John. In many ways I did walk through Hell to get to John. September 11th brings back those feelings of self doubt and anger - how could I be such a poor judge of character? Was I so desperate to be married that I set aside all standards of how I deserved to be treated and instead let myself fall for the big woo - a person who wasn't at all who he had portrayed himself to be? It's far too easy to vilify people once a relationship ends when one is hurt, bitter and angry. Yet, I've always seemed to vilify myself, thinking that I was just a sucker who was taken in, that I'd wanted to see goodness in him where there wasn't any.

As John and I talked about that this morning he said, "You know, he probably was kind in his own country, in his own environment..but he was so far out of his comfort zone, culture shock is so overwhelming and demoralizing, that he couldn't cope." It thought about that and realized how overwhelming working through the 5 stages of culture shock was for John and for the first time I could look at that past relationship with a little more clarity and compassion. Not just for the other person involved, but also for myself. I think this insite healed a little piece of my soul that's been raw for seven years..and gave me a little more strength to continue taking care of myself, because I'm worth it.

It also really made me appreciate John. Not once during the past three years when he has struggled to find his American legs and a sense of direction has he lashed out at me. He's never screamed at me, berated me or made me feel like his struggles were my fault. Instead he has told me over and over again that I'm worth every bit of heartache and trial. That even if he knew how hard an adjustment it would be, he would still go through it to be with me. I guess my challenge is to love myself as much as John loves me, without a sugar coating of numbness to dull the hard parts.

Day 10

Since I woke up this morning, John's been telling me that "We're in double digits!" I'm quite proud to have reached this milestone, John just loves streaks. It's getting a little easier every day..until about 3:00 when the ants arrive in my pants and I go roaming the office to shake off restlessness. Used to be, I'd pop in on Madeline to say hey and snag a couple jelly beans (they've stopped talking out loud to me btw, now they're just a dull murmur that I can ignore) or stop by the chocolate jar for a nice bit of sweeties. Instead, I just go down and talk to my friends. I think that's what I'm noticing. It used to be that I used sugar as an excuse to wander for a few minutes and clear my mind, now I'm just going to visit people and that's much nicer, especially since my afternoon mood swings are vastly improving. Hurrah!

Also doing a spectacular job on this weeks goals of 15 minutes exercise, lotion and consuming vast quantities of produce. Hurrah!

***Special treat for John tonight..there's a new Fish and Chips place on Broadway that's supposed to be the best in town. PLUS they're showing the highlights from the Scotland/Iceland Worldcup qualifying match. Scotland had to pull it out in order to progress and thankfully they did so 2-1. Comfort food and Scottish football - Hurrah!

Day 9

Captain's log Day 9. After staying up too late to watch the Broncos Game, arose at 0500 hours to stretch mind and body with yoga, followed by energizing herbal tea, spiritual readings, prayer, meditation and journal writing. Ate breakfast comprising of cottage cheese, fresh pineapple, raspberries, and whole wheat toast. Upon completion of grooming ritual, drove to work and arrived on time and in a prepared focused manner to take on day's challenges. Legs still very sore from 15 minute workout last night, in particular the weakened right leg is suffering, but confident that it will quickly regain strength and balance.

Day 8

Well, we've made it to Day 8. All I can say for today is "FRUIT" thus far this morning I've had peaches, grapes and some fresh pineapple. I have a plum for this afternoon...and a mini veggie tray to snack from. This article I read said that the first week of going sugarless all you should concentrate on is actually not eating sugar. Now that a week is up. I'm adding the following three things:

1. Exercise for 15 minutes every day.
2. Eat four fruits and five servings of vegetables everyday.
3. Put lotion on every morning (this is in preparation for the winter itchiness that always shows up in November, but I also thought it was a good way to take care of myself with something other than food.)

John's on day 8 as well....Monday mornings are hard for him and he wanted a Red Bull, but he said no and I'm proud of him!

Day 7

I'm cranky today. John wants a coke, I want chocolate and together we're just trying to make it through today without giving in. I won't let him, and he won't let me so we'll make it to day 8 somehow.

Day 6

We had the family Olympics today (they had been postponed due to rain during the actual Olympics) We ordered Chinese food for lunch and I wanted a fortune cookie because that's how you finish a Chinese meal. As it was, I opened it, gave it to Lacey and we shared the fortune. We put the house up on the market and I'm feeling scared and nervous. But, I will not buy icecream to mask the feelings. I'll think about my sea kayak instead.

Day 5

No aches and no pains, the physical part of withdrawl seems to be over. Just went to the eye doctor. John's appointment was the one before mine, so he waited for me to get out so we could at least spend five minutes together...drat his having to work through lunch all the time of late so we don't get home at 7:30. Anyway, I'm glad he stayed, the Russel's store next door to the doc has the most delicious chocolate cake..love 'em and ever since I saw the Dolly Madison truck with zingers, chocolate cake etc. on it this morning I've been seriously craving chocolate cake. Therefore so that I don't sit here thinking about all the yummy chocolate goodies within a 1/2 blocks distance I'm going to write them down and see if that helps:

Brownies from the Wall Street Deli
Brownies from three sisters
Chocolate cake at Russles
Well there's the normal chocolate M&M's etc in the vending machine downstairs, as well as across both streets at Russels.
Hot chocolate from Starbucks
Chocolate mint brownies from Statbucks
Chocolate icecream at Russles

Do I feel better? Not yet, but I know that if I can make it through today and then through going to a resturant tonight with friends that I'll be in good shape.

I posted this and then had an insight..I miss eating lunch with John. I don't eat chocolate during the day generally on the days I see him. Chocolate has always been a comfort for loneliness, eat the chocolate don't feel alone. I like it at other times in group situations like birthdays or something..but when I'm lonely I head for chocolate. Depressed is creamy..cheesecake, icecream or pudding. Stressed is candy, especially milkyway bars or twix. Happy is cookies. hmmm...maybe not eating sugar really will make me look at the emotions I've been trying to keep hidden.

Day 4

I'm happy to report the aching has diminished and now the mental torture has begun. I haven't been downstairs to the library but once today. A quick in and out to grab the mail cart and key and rush down to the mailroom and back. I was afraid to go near the chocolate or the jelly beans...seriously is it normal to think that jelly beans can talk to you? "Come here, Stephanie, enjoy our tropical flavor that reminds you of your one legged Florida trip with John, Rae and Tam," say the pina colada flavors. "Ignore them and come taste our cinnamony goodness" responds the red with yellow flecked ones. Fortunately, above the tasty ones I can hill the shrill high pitched butter popcorn beans screaming, "Popcorn, get your nasty, fake microwave popcorn." Those buttered popcorn jelly bellys are tricky because they can easily be mistaken for pina coladas, unless your listening closely, which I am.

Day 3

Ok, so today is harsh. I woke up still achey like I'm getting the flu. I ate a good breakfast with a banana..which helps with the desire for something sweet. I did my yoga. I read my inspirational message for the day. I prayed. I wrote in my journal. Then I packed an awesome lunch with healthy snacks to keep me going through the day and away from the vending machine at 3:00. On the way to work, I realized I'd totally forgotten my lunch in the fridge.. John donated his grapes and little peaches to the cause..and yet here I am at 11:31 so hungry that you can hear my stomache growling, still with the nasty headache and sore body and I'm on the reference desk so little peaches aren't really allowed. In the past, I'd eat 2-4 of the little chocolate bars Katherine keeps in her jar or a handful of jelly beans from Madeline's dish, enough to give me a little sugar buzz to keep me going until lunch.

Instead of the sugar buzz, I decided to write about the sugar buzz. Right now 365 days seems endless. Yet, I keep thinking about Colton's statment "It's a lifestyle" as he chugged his water from the giant thermos he carries with him everywhere.

Day 2

Day 2, well I was so excited by ideas for work, and the idea of my sea kayak that it zoomed by, until about 5:00 when I got the most awful headache..serious pain. I realized on the way home that I'd had a terrible time concentrating all day, that I was figity and unfocused. My body really aches as well, like I have the flu. I wonder if this is a normal reaction to stopping sugar cold turkey.

Day 1

Today is the first day of the No Sugar for a Year = a sea kayak challenge. The first day sucked..that's mostly because I was on a roadtrip. Driving across the windswept prarie of I80 with no M&Ms was a harsh introduction to this experience.